


John 13:7

by space_squirrel



Series: The Heart Against The Mind [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: God - Freeform, Late Night Conversations, MERweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 08:33:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11158149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_squirrel/pseuds/space_squirrel
Summary: A late-night conversation between Ashley, Shepard, and God.Written for MERWeek Day 3 - Late Night Confessions





	John 13:7

The first time Ashley meets Shepard, on Eden Prime, is also the first time she hears her pray. It’s quick, really, and quiet: so quick and quiet, in fact, Ashley isn’t even sure she heard correctly.

They’d just stumbled across the body of a young dig site worker; the kid barely looked a day over 18, and Shepard is visibly shaken by her presence. Kneeling next to the body, she closes the girl’s eyes and, gently brushing her fingers over the small, gold cross the girl wears around her neck, begins to speak in a low voice. Ashley can’t catch most of it, but does hear the ending - _“through Christ our Lord, Amen.”_ , instantly realizing it’s a prayer she’s rarely had to recite, but would recognize anywhere. 

The second time Ashley hears Shepard pray is on Feros, after she’s put her sniper rifle away, as the team equips the anti-Thorian gas to their grenades in silence, the magnitude of the high-risk task at hand weighing heavily on them.

_"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust... for his will commands his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways..."_

Again, she speaks quickly and quietly, and Ashley has to strain to hear her words, only catching bits and pieces, but it’s enough that she recognizes Psalm 91. She thinks Shepard is beautiful on any given day, but the lightness in her face when she prays is really something to behold. It’s at that split second as she says _“amen”—_ as Brooklyn fades away and Commander Shepard arrives—that Ashley decides to ask her about her faith the next time they’re alone on the Normandy.

The chance arrives late that night _(well, technically, in the wee hours of the morning)_ when Ashley runs into a restless Brooklyn in the comm room: freshly showered, hair still damp, an oversized knit sweater falling off one shoulder. She’s sitting with her back to the table, staring out the window into the inky expanse of space, the steam from the cup of tea she’s holding rising and dancing in the Normandy’s recycled air, framing her face in an ethereal way.

She turns as Ashley approaches, and gives her a smile. “Hey there. Can’t sleep?”

“Just wanted to unwind a little after today’s events, ma’am,” she replies, moving to join her at the table.

“Brooklyn,” she says softly, biting her lip and giving a tentative smile. “We’re friends, right? If we’re off duty, you can call me Brooklyn.”, she pauses, a look of doubt flashing across her face. “I mean, if you want." 

Ashley wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of her statement - of course they’re friends - but she doesn’t. Commander Shepard might be a fearless leader, a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, a Spectre and decorated soldier, but it’s become painfully obvious over the past couple months that, deep down, she’s still a shy farm girl who struggles to make friends.

“Okay, Brooklyn,” she says instead, and Shepard’s face lights up at her use of her name. “Why are you still up so late?”

“Can’t get the image of that Thorian out of my mind. Or the _smell_.” She shudders, taking a sip of her tea. “And those poor colonists... I wish we could have saved more of them.”

“Me too. But we did everything we could,” Ashley replies, and Shepard hums in agreement.

They fall into a comfortable silence, both staring out into space, before Ashley speaks.

“I didn’t know you were religious,” she says, and Shepard stills, cup halfway to her mouth.

“Who says I am?"

Ashley coughs awkwardly. “I uh, I heard you praying earlier. On Feros.”

Shepard eyes her hesitantly, then sighs. “Sometimes I don't even realize I'm speaking outloud. It’s not something I tend to publicize. My life is public enough as it is.”

“I can understand that,” Ashley says, giving her a smile, and Shepard cocks her head in thought.

“I wasn’t religious for a long time, you know,” she offers suddenly. “After Mindoir... I didn't want to live with what had happened. I fought like crazy but in the end I was ready to die. Anderson saved me, and the Alliance saved my life. But I lost my faith. It was too hard to believe in a God that would... that would let something like that happen. I was angry. Confused."

She pauses, staring off into the distance, darkness clouding her eyes, and Ashley is certain she’s remembering the tragedies of her past, watching them play out before her eyes like a movie you can't turn off.

“It got worse after Akuze. I was in a dark place. Nothing mattered to me anymore, nothing except the Alliance - because when I was on duty, I at least felt like I had a purpose... was doing _something_ with my life, something to maybe, someday, make up for even a tiny fraction of the lives lost while I lived.”  

“What changed?”

Shepard shrugs. “I became desperate to disprove God’s existence. I was convinced that, if I could somehow prove God _didn’t_ exist, then I could accept that sometimes bad things just happen. Sometimes good people die for no reason, no greater purpose. Instead, I managed to do the opposite - convincing myself that God irrevocably does exist, and that I am who I am today, here doing what we're doing... _making a difference_ , not just for humanity, but for the entire galaxy... and that's _because_ of my past, not in spite of it." 

“Like Lady Lazarus, rising from the flames and ashes of her past,” Ashley offers, and Shepard smiles.

“Something like that.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Better late than never!
> 
> I struggled with this one - so it took a little longer to get read for posting. It was important to me to write about Brooklyn Shepard's relationship with God, as it's an integral part of who she is and her story. But as someone who is spiritual, but not religious, I wanted to make sure I got it right - which meant it needed some extra editing. 
> 
> Comments are always appriciated, and concrit is cool too if you've got it!


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